Patellas

I think my knees are starting to sag. Actually I am pretty sure of it. I looked at them in the mirror the other day and something just didn't look right. This is something I never even thought about. Who knew that one of the first things to go would be the knees? To make matters worse it seemed like it just happened over night. I guess I was so busy staring at my face watching for any sign of a crinkle I did not notice the droop that has started around my knees.

I am truly devastated by this turn of events. I have spent the better part of this year with incredibly sore leg muscles due to the copious amounts of squats and leg lifts I have done to try and thwart the arrival of a fat ass and caked on cellulite thighs. Also, considering I am no longer in my 20's, I only have a small window that I can wear short dresses. So off to the gym I went every day (well almost) lunging my way into a tiny skirt. Often times with hateful thoughts in my head for a dear friend who only tried to help me achieve my goal of Giselle legs. And now I realize it was weeks of being rendered immobile for nothing! I can't wear short dresses with these knees! I am like a freaking old lady whose stockings roll down because her droopy knees can't hold them up. Devastating to say the least.

This is just too much for my fragile ego to handle. At the start of this year I put on my "New Years Goals" to wear heels more often because I am finally ready to accept the fact that I am as tall as the Empire State building and now I am just not sure I can rock the 3-inchers with a micro-mini unless I wear tights to cover the atrocity that is becoming my mid leg.

I can't stay on top of all the things I need to watch out for; gray hair, eye wrinkles, mouth wrinkles, extra chins, fat arms, cellulite... just typing this list has made me exhausted. Now I have to figure out a way to prevent my knees from dropping down to my ankles? Do they even have knee lifts? Kris is going to kill me when I tell him I need a knee lift. He already thinks I am crazy when I make him comb through my hair, like a chimp looking for bugs to eat, for any signs of gray. On the other hand though, he should be grateful I am attempting to maintain my girlish figure and looks. Just knowing that his wife looks amazing, not a day older than 26 with stems that belong on the cover of "Legs & Limbs Magazine", will only better his life as well. It is as just as much for him as it is for me. Or at least that is what I will keep telling him to ensure he will be there to hold the straw to my lips when I have taken to the couch with my legs elevated because of my double knee lift.

Wishlist Wednesday

I have decided to invoke a new routine to my week. One day a week I am going to make a wish. I am going to put it out there for the world to see with the hopes that somehow my wish gets granted. Wish-list Wednesday it is called and I am starting with what I think is a simple request.

Here goes - I wish to get paid for acting. Simple to the point. I personally don't think that is asking too much. It has been the way of the world for quite some time. You do a job you get paid for it. This is how it has always been I didn't make the rules. Ever since I was a kid. I took out the trash, did the dishes, dusted and got paid for it. What started out as $5 a week turned into a bit more as I started working outside the home. A weekly paycheck gradually increased in quantity as the years went on and the jobs became more complex. That was until I moved to LA and all payment for my time ceased to exist.

How is it that it is ok to ask some one to work for you and not pay them? Even worse, how is it ok that I continue to accept these terms? I bewilder myself, I really do. I can't count the number of times I have said enough-I will no longer work for free and yet like a classic crack addict I am back working for the promise of something great. ...And it never is.

Therefore, today on my first day of Wish-list Wednesday I am wishing for a paycheck, preferably from SAG, and sadly at this point I will almost take any amount. I just want to be paid for my work.

So to the few of you who read this - throw in a wish. Anything you want and like a good fountain I will take your penny and your wish. Who knows it may come true. Otherwise come the months end I will just collect all the pennies and buy myself a gelato.

Ask and You Shall Receive...almost

When we last left off I had asked the universe for something. I wasn't sure what exactly, just something. Then I went away to let the universe do its thing while I spent time with my beyond gorgeous nephew. When I came back to LA I hit the ground running. I immediately had 2 weeks full of auditions. And a variety of auditions at that! I had a couple call backs and booked a job. I was so excited. Who knew that all it took was for me asking the universe for what I wanted.

However, as wonderful as this all sounds it soon became clear that I was not going to get these gifts without a couple digs sprinkled in just to remind me that I did not have the upper hand when it came to my career. The first jab came in the form of crazy people. I was sitting in the waiting room at an audition for a music video looking around at the other "actors". Now I put "actors" in quotations b/c I cannot be sure a majority of these people have ever acted in their life. They looked as if they were walking down the street, saw an open door and decided to just come on in. I was the only one with a head-shot and resume that I know for sure. As I discreetly looked around at the variety of people sitting with me I happened to glance at the lady directly to my left. I am ashamed to say that I did one of the more obvious double takes I have ever taken. This is due to the fact that her wig was on crooked and the underside netting was sticking out of her temple. Almost to her eyebrow. Also, as she filled out her size card she simply replied, Barbara, to every question.
"What is your cell phone?" Barbara.
"What is your shoe size?" Barbara.
"Would you be willing to be an extra?" Barbara.

Since she looked like she was maybe in her late 70's I had to give her some slack. But the woman who went in before me I could not. As we were standing in line she held up her extra shirt that was on a hanger and proceeded to tell me that it had an eating disorder (the shirt on the hanger), but it was still pretty. She also told me she liked to dance but dancing is not as fun as it used to be b/c back in the day she took her clothes off. "There was nothing like rolling down your stockings." But these days dancing was not as much fun b/c she had to wear so many layers b/c she always ended up taking her clothes off. "Well," I said, "old habits die hard."
Now I am not sure what is more upsetting to me, that my manager thought of the 2 auditions he has gotten me, this is my niche? Or that I didn't even book the job! It probably went to Barbara!

The second dig was a real jab to my ego. Even more than the fact that my manager clearly thinks my acting capabilities equal that of an anorexic hanging shirt. My commercial agent emailed me an audition that read this: A BIT PALE AND NOT YET ADJUSTED TO THE ISLAND SUN. NOT BEACH BODIES BUT NOT A SLOB. What the hell? I mean this wouldn't have been so bad had it been an audition for Twilight or Vampire Diaries or any of the million other vampire shows out there. But no, this was for TGI Fridays! I was truly insulted. It took all of my strength not to walk into that audition screaming "But I DO work-out. I have a beach body I am sure of it." I am not really sure of it, but still, come on! being called somewhere between not a beach body and a slob?!?!? That one really hurt.

I guess in the end though I should be grateful to the universe for answering my prayers. All in all it was a nice little gift to come home to and I just realized that you win some and you lose some. And when it came to the TGI Friday commercial I like to think that I won even though I didn't book it. Because I am pretty sure the reason the job went to some one else is because of my olive complexion and I would look too good in a bikini.

Crickets

I haven't written in a long time and I have even had people ask me when I am doing another blog, which to me, is such an amazing compliment. However, no matter how much I stretched my thoughts to come up with an interesting topic to write about, my head was instead filled with the deafening sound of emptiness. At first I felt frustrated by this as each day for a month or so I would stare blankly at the computer screen with nothing witty or smart coming out. How can this be? I am the world's biggest complainer/brat/emotional disaster and I have nothing to say?

Then I had a revelation. No, it was not my life must be perfect or I must be in a really lovely place. Actually, it was a truly pathetic epiphany. I have nothing to write about because I have nothing to write about. Translation, my life is a dead zone. I have not had any auditions in as long as I can remember. I have no job opportunity coming my way. And it seems as though my wrinkles have slowed down their deepening process. Now it may seem strange that I am complaining about no extra wrinkles but I am not. I am just demonstrating how dull things have gotten around here.

A few months ago I got a new manager and I thought ok this is it. Things are really going to pick up for me and I am pretty sure I will be in movies soon. However, the opposite happened and I have auditioned even less then when I was all alone in the abyss of the entertainment industry. I am not in movies, I am not auditioning for movies, I am not even seeing movies because there is nothing in the theater.

Never before in my life have I wished for an audition that goes awry or for some one to mistake me for their son's teenage friends mom or be asked to sing impromptu during an audition. Anything, I will take anything other than this black hole I am living in these days. So I am asking you, universe, to shake things up for me. I will give you a week. I go out of town in a couple days and while I am away please do serious thinking and come up with something that you can throw my way. Something that will jazz up this mundane existence and really get the creative juices flowing. A week! And I would prefer it not come in the form of a gray hair! Thanks!

I'll Miss You Most of All

It has recently come to light that my brother isn't the only one who wishes I would write about happy things. It seems as though some people feel that I am too pessimistic. I believe I have given sound arguments to justify my writing. Defenses like; it is like a diary, writing about brief moments in time. There needs to be conflict in story-telling, no one wants to read about nothing happening. A lesson is learned at the end of each entry. But the fact of the matter is people, these things that I write about really did/do happen to me. I am not making this shit up. I mean I truly didn't get cast for the part of me! I am sorry if that is too depressing FOR YOU TO READ!!!

(catching my breathe, regaining composure)

SO in light of hearing other people's opinions I decided that I would try an experiment this week and not allow myself to say anything negative. Only positive thoughts can come out of my head and onto the paper. Of course when I decided to attempt this little experiment I had no idea that some jerk-off would have stolen my ATM card number and helped himself to $500 dollars of mine and Kris's money. While I did have a brief slip up when I told Kris I wanted to hunt this person down and kill him. I quickly forgave myself for that teeny transgression and I am back on track to my positive ways.

I have been thinking lately about the amazing people in my life. I think one of the smartest things I have ever done since moving to LA was to surround myself with such stunning people that no matter how wrinkled my face gets I know they will always be there. For example, JK + RW always, always make me feel like I am beautiful. They both always seem genuinely happy to see me and never fail to tell me how lovely I look. Even on days when I know I look like a serial killer. I cannot tell you what that means to have 2 people in your life who never fail to lift your spirit. LVKM, you give me such confidence and support. Days when I feel most insecure you always seem to sense it right away and ALWAYS have exactly the right thing to say to me. You are one of the people who have helped me make it this far. JG, you are one of the most encouraging friends I have. I feel so lucky to have you in my corner. M+D, you never give up on me. Ever. MD +KM you're here. Because of that I can breathe a little easier. MAD +CD, you had a baby first! That is really not the only reason. Truly, the list is far too long and I know without you I would die. DG+YG, you gave me such a gift. I am so appreciative of you and your support. PP, you have shown me how to look at things in a positive light. You're confidence and talent is so impressive and I feel like I learn a little bit every time I am with you. NH, this last year would have been hell without you. You are so sweet and kind and I feel extremely lucky to have you as my friend. And while it may take a wheelchair to get me up on that stage, I believe in my heart you will be the one up there handing me the statue!

And to KAPS, you are all of these people and so much more. Thank you for being so honest, so generous and so funny. Thank you for unwavering support and for giving up your professional sports career so you are not tempted to sleep with porn stars. I can honestly say that if the only reason that I was meant to move to LA was to find you then I will gladly give up any chance of stardom. (though lets hope for your sake it is not the only reason or you're in for buckets more tears)

Dear God, I sound like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. This is way too much for my black heart. So really take it in b/c I am counting the days until positive week is over and then it is back to stories of how I was mistaken for some one's brother. But until then I will adhere the Monty Python and say, "always look on the bright side of life." Even as she typed one could sense the sarcasm dripping from each word.

Happiness

My mom told me that my brother wanted me to at least once write about something happy. Upon hearing that I was confused as I thought all my stories ultimately had a happy ending. However, it is apparent that he wanted something more specific.

What makes me happy is being surrounded by crappy people. Let me explain. I started a new class this week, an Improv class. To say I was nervous was barely even scratching the surface. Normally when starting a new class I have a tiny bit of anxiety but it quickly passes as I am pretty confident in my acting and am usually sure I will be at the very least, in the middle of the pack, if not one of the better actors. This, however, is a totally different ball of wax. I am not all that confident in my improvisational skills.

As the day of the class loomed near I started to wonder if Karma had caught up with me. I say that b/c I am the first one to judge some one's bad improv or comedic chops. I consider myself a comedic aficionado - when it comes to other people's work that is. If I had lived during theater tomato throwing times I would have been in the front row with my satchel full of juicy ripe tomatoes ready to throw at a moments notice.

In talking with a good friend who is already in the class and who I consider to have amazing improvisational skills (remember aficionado) I was telling her how nervous I was. As she was trying to calm my nerves I said, "I just need there to be some bad actors in the group. As long as there are some crappy people around me I will feel better." As sad as that may be, it is the truth! The more crappy people I have around me the better I feel. Instead of just being secure within my own self or sure of my own capabilities I want to see the demise of someone else and then I will gain some confidence. The worse part is that I should feel guilty about that and I don't. I also, should want to be surrounded by talented people who will bring out the best in me, but I don't want that either. To me the perfect setting would be a mixture of talented people and crappy people.

The day of the class came and I woke up with a cold. Great, how was I supposed to improvise with a cloudy head? Bloody Karma!! As I drove to class I began to freak out more and more so by the time class started I was seriously going to shit my pants. This was the worse thing I could have done is subject myself to this torture. Especially when one of the games was to mimic the person to your right and then transform their character a little bit so the person to your left could mimic you. This was so horrifying to me that I turned my classmates hoity toity character into a crying pitiful girl and there was no part of me acting.

But as the night went on the tides began to turn. as I watched pairs of actors go through their scenes I realized that some were really good but a few were really bad. I know I would be better than them! Karma was on my side. This is exactly what I wanted and I got it. Some talent with a side of crap! And that is what makes me happy!

Breaking the Cycle

I have been in an abusive relationship for about 6 years. I have been punched, kicked, laughed at, spit on and told I am just not good enough and yet I still go back. Every time. Of course I am saying this theoretically - sort of. My abusive boyfriend's name is my Acting Career and I cannot let him go.

I vowed this year would be different. This year I was going to take back my life, be in control of my own destiny. No more pity parties, no more tears, no more excuses. This was the year I was going to break the cycle. However, 4 weeks into 2010 I am already crying, broken-hearted from yet another swift kick in the head. How did this happen? I had such will power just a few weeks ago and today I find myself curled up in fetal position rocking back and forth (rhetorically speaking of course).

What am I going to do? I can't leave him, believe me I have tried but I just go back. I love him. I truly love him. Like any abusive relationship I am lured back by a shiny little trinket of a new agent or a phone call full of promises from an audition. Sometimes all it takes is the sweet musings of another actor's stunning performance. I am weak. I know. I tell myself this time he will change. He will show me the same love I show him. This time it will be a mutually respectful relationship. But it never is and I never learn.

I can't go on like this that much I know. Changing the pattern of this relationship has not been easy as demonstrated by this morning's breakdown. However, I did notice a difference in today than other days. I sat on the couch trying to stop the tears with my poor husband wondering what was upsetting me. This time I said to him, "nothing, I don't want to be crying over this" and after a couple of minutes I stopped my crying and got ready to start my day. Any other time the dropping of a few tears would have turned into a 3-day tsunami of emotions. Today, however, I was able to pull myself together in relatively record time and enjoy a day out with Kris.

I know I am not alone in this. There are other victims out there bearing the sufferings of a similar relationship. That is a huge comfort knowing we are allied in abuse. I am also learning, albeit at a snails pace, that I can't change the spiteful, mean-spirited attitude of my acting career, but I can change myself. I can change how I react and what amount of power I let it have over me. So I am not going to let this little misstep today get me down. I am going to forge ahead and continue working on myself so someday I can look my acting career in the face and just as Royal told Pagoda, say "this is the last you put a knife in me!"

Old Lang Syne

The New Year us upon us and just in the knick of time if you ask me. It was touch and go there for awhile but I somehow managed to squeak through 2009 still breathing, my fingernails clinging to the edge of the cliff of life. However, every year when I am ready to move on to the next and wipe the slate clean, I am hit and hit hard with one last fuck you from the ending year – my birthday! I was born on December 31st. During my younger years it was a kick-ass time to have a birthday – everyone is in their most joist mood, champagne is flowing, people dancing at their best and in lieu of all that celebration I got to be the IT girl of the night! I had some amazingly fabulous birthdays! But that all came to an abrupt stop at the end my 29th year and a gray hair appeared on my head and I realized, gone are the days of birthday frivolity, enter the days of birthday wrinkle paranoia!

The worse part of it all is that I did this to myself. I wasn’t due to be born until January 2nd and instead I came two days early. I was a self-saboteur even in the womb. I made it so I cannot relish the ending of one year and enter the next with a newfound lease on life. No, because of my own self-destructiveness, when the clock strikes mid-night on January 1st those aren’t tears of joy running down my face welcoming the New Year!

I have to say it is exhausting to be depressed on New Years Eve. I, too, want to ring in the upcoming year with gusto instead of spending it worrying what being a year older means. I want to recapture the feeling on December 31st when I turned 17 and had to try and pretend I was sober talking to my parents all the while swaying into walls. I want to dance on the bar like I did on December 31st when I turned 21. I want to go to a beach party in Thailand like I did when on December 31st when I turned 24 (even though I had to go back to my hut sick). I want to be the last once dancing in a club like I did on December 31st when I turned 26! And I want to wake up January 1st hung-over just like I did on every January 1st until I turned 30! Hung-over, from drinks of joy not the ones I downed trying to dull the pain of aging.

And so I made a resolution for 2010. In the paranoid lead up to my birthday I started to realize that my age is as arbitrary as the date January 1st. It doesn’t mean anything unless you want it to. So I have decided that I am nothing years old and it is going to be a fabulous year! And at the end of it when everyone is singing and celebrating and ready with their resolutions I am going to be right there with them – drunk and dancing on a table!!!