Monday, October 19, 2009

A Glitch in the Matrix

A few weeks ago a friend was telling me about some feedback he got from an audition that was not to his liking. In an effort to cheer him up I told him a story about a true event that, ultimately, was almost my downfall. Some months ago I noticed in the breakdowns a casting that read as follows:

Lexi DiRienzo, caucasian female, mid 20's, Italian, long dark brown hair, brown eyes, tall, slim and pretty.

I am confused. DiRienzo? Did I just read a casting for myself? Naturally I was curious. I submitted myself for the part and was indeed called in to audition for the role of Lexi DiRienzo. I went to the audition and while I was sitting in the waiting room going over my sides a guy I had worked with years ago walked by. "Kate!" he said. "Wow, Rodney it has been a long time, how are you?" I replied. We exchanged pleasantries. I told him I was here for an audition. He told me "yeah I wrote this script and I based the character Lexi on you!" Huh? So into the room I go and audition for the horror film with me playing Lexi who is based on me.

Some days later I get a phone call from Rodney telling me how wonderful it was to see me and how great I did. It came down to me and another girl and they decided to go with another girl. They thought about writing another part for me but then there would be two similar characters. But hey we need to get together to catch up so lets talk soon.
I'm sorry what??? Some other girl is playing me??? Wait, you mean I didn't even get cast as myself? Fuck.

This event plummeted me into a dark downward spiral. How could I not be good enough to even play myself? I mean if I can't play myself then who can I play? Am I not who I thought I was? Who am I anyways? These thoughts bounced around my brain for a good long depressing month. It really fucked me up. I really started to believe that this is not what I am supposed to be doing. But then again. was I on the right path and this was just an obstacle to overcome and I would come out better for it? Or maybe I was just bad and no one has been honest? Or maybe this was a moment to realize life was not always about me. Or maybe…I mean these thoughts never ended. Acting was turning me into a schizophrenic and not the good kind where your head is filled with all sorts of playful characters that talk to you. No, I of course I got paranoid schizophrenia. I seriously did not know what to do. I spent my days crying then finding resolve, crying then finding resolve, just as a good paranoid schizophrenic should do. I cried b/c I was quitting acting. I cried b/c I would suddenly decide that quitting was not the right decision. I cried b/c I wanted Rodney’s movie to fall apart, I wanted so desperately for the girl who was playing me to be horrible and then the whole movie goes to shit. I cried b/c I was never going to achieve my dream. I cried b/c I couldn’t make a decision and I felt so lost. I just cried, cried, cried. And then my face started to hurt. After a month of crying my face became chafed and dried out from the tears. My eyes were raw and pained. I looked in the mirror and saw a puffy yet worn face. Eyes that were weighed down by bags staring back at me. Red splotchy skin. Then suddenly as if sent from the Heavens above my vanity kicked in and I realized I need to get it together or else I was going to look like a weathered old lady. So I sat at my computer and began to write and I felt better. Immediately better. I hadn’t written in so long and had forgotten how freeing it is for me. I was cured of my paranoid schizophrenia and I created loosely scripted.

So really I guess I need to thank Rodney and Lexi because without them I may not have started this blog. This blog that has given me so much solace over the past few months. It has been a therapist and a voice of reason. This blog made me realize there are some shit actors out there who work. Even if I can’t play myself I can for sure play some one else and that is more fun anyways. While it surely wasn’t always the case I can now honestly say I hope Rodney’s movie came out great, was everything he wanted it to be and that Lexi, who was not played by me, well I hope they killed the bitch off!