Friday, August 21, 2009

The Dreaded -Itis

I recently took a trip to the doctor’s office to have my hip looked at, as it has been causing me much discomfort in the past month. I normally don’t fret about injuries or ailments but this one caused much distress. There is something about having a hip injury that just screams “YOU’RE AN OLD LADY!” My friends all got a good laugh when I told them I have been having hip problems. I even chuckled along with them b/c that is the kind of good sport I am. But when Dr. Henderson told me it either was, that my hip joint rolled out of its socket or I had a bursa, things really began to hit home for me. Not b/c either of these diagnosis were life threatening, simply the fact they screamed “YOU’RE AN OLD LADY!” I mean come on!

This was very disheartening as I tried to decide which diagnosis I would rather have; the loose hip joint or bursitis? Even though saying “my hip fell out of its socket” could be more like something that comes out of your grandmother’s mouth, I kind of hoped for that one. Because as I said bursitis out loud it struck me that anything that ends in –itis equals you’re old. I could just picture myself sitting on a rocker talking about how my bursitis is acting up again and that image just made me sick to my stomach. So I headed off to the radiology department with my fingers crossed that it was simply my hip dangling from its joint.

As I sat in the waiting room in my lovely hospital gown I quickly realized I was the youngest person there by a good 40 years. While you may think that would have made me feel better being so youthful compared to my fellow patients, it certainly did not. I came to the realization that I must be aging at break-neck speed. I am my own reverse Benjamin Button. I looked around at my fellow Cocooners and thought - bursitis, colitis, gastroenteritis, gastritis, sigh….the list goes on and on. By the time I walked in to get the actual x-ray I was literally begging the gods to give me a diagnosis of anything but the dreaded itis.

And when I needed his sympathy the most, my husband gave me some advice that only my sweet, sensitive husband can – getting old is like a car crash, the more you tighten up the more it hurts. (I swear there needs to be a book Daily Wisdoms by Kris) A couple things happened after he said that, first I laughed, which I have to say is the gift that Kris is best at giving. It made me feel better and I realized it is true. I am missing out on my present life worrying about my future life. I want to enjoy this trip across the universe and not be a stress ball constantly looking back in the rear view mirror. So when Dr. Henderson called me 2 days ago and told me my hip joint looked great and it that it was in fact bursitis I thanked her, hung up and said to Kris “well I’ve got the bursitis.”

Friday, August 14, 2009

Going Down the Hill

I’ve realized what my problem is – I am having a mid-life crisis, I just know it. Part of me feels relieved, hoping that I go through it now and then when I am in my forties it will be smooth sailing. But then the other part of me is horrified that I am in my early thirties and having a mid-life crisis, worried that means I am going to have a mental breakdown in my forties. It really isn’t a win-win for me I guess.

In some ways I have been caught off guard by my current state of mind. You see, I’ve always fancied myself this bohemian girl who dances through life. I saw myself carefree and light-hearted. However, it is becoming more and more apparent that I am nothing like that. I am more of a crazy schizophrenic and that really disturbs me. I have been in a relationship with myself for thirty-four years and have just now realized that I am not the person I thought I was. If I could break up with myself I would. I would change the locks, move away, throw all my old stuff out on the front lawn. Unfortunately, I don’t have that option. If only I could buy a fast car in canary yellow that only seats two I am sure all of my problems would be solved. But I can’t afford it so I guess I am stuck with myself. Alas.

In defense of my schizoid-self I haven’t just been wallowing. I have been trying to figure a way out of this mess but it just hasn’t been easy. I have taken up yoga and to be honest I hate it. I am not the flexible type and it is frustrating. But I am sticking with it so keep it to yourself. I have trying affirmations but lets be real, do they really work? And you just feel like an asshole saying them. I am trying to forge a new yet-to-be-determined career and not mourn the lack of my “other” one. I am doing my best to keep myself busy, but progress seems to be moving at a God Damn snail’s pace.

There has been one brief flash of brightness in my otherwise tragic state and it came from the least likely of sources, Heather Graham. Yes, the Heather Graham who played roller-girl and was in that deplorable Eddie Murphy movie that I can’t think what the name of it is. Anyways, I was sitting in the doctor’s office waiting to have my hip checked out, like an old lady, and I was reading a magazine article where Heather Graham was talking about her acting career. She said that it wasn’t about the accomplishments but about the spiritual journey.
Hmmm, maybe I was putting too much pressure on myself to have these major accomplishments and not paying attention to this path that I am on, therefore missing many good moments? Don’t get me wrong the irony is clear to me – it is always the people who have accomplished their goals (the same goals I have been striving for) who seem to make these bold statements. However, what do I have to lose? I mean can it get any worse?
So with Heather Graham as my guru I am going to try harder to appreciate each little, tiny, miniscule step I take, because those seem to be the only ones these days and at least I have my legs to take them.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Duped Again

I have a question for you, a riddle maybe. Let me present it this way.

I find myself to be in a constant struggle. What I am up against I really can’t be sure, but it is a powerful force, one that can’t be reckoned with, that much I do know. It has haunted me for my entire life it seems and each time I think I have moved past it, it comes back with a not so subtle punch in the face. And the thing is I am afraid to ask anyone if it ever goes away. I really have to let myself believe that it will go away or else I am going to lose this tug-o-war and end up face first in the mud puddle that is laden with shit.

Let’s break it down. I mean we all have angst-ridden teenage years. That is inevitable and in retrospect quite enjoyable to a point. There is something amazing about feeling like no one understands you or loving a boy so much you might die. They are not easy to go through but everyone does and looking back as an adult, it gives you a good laugh.
Then once you think you are through that you get the quarter life crisis which NO ONE has told you about. You are in your 20’s, supposedly the most carefree time in your life and you are in a constant state. “Where am I going in life?” “Who am I supposed to be?” “I don’t want to be cookie-cutter.” “ Should I just get a job that pays well or follow a dream?” This was particularly horrible for me, as I like to intensify any feelings by 100, so I was constantly tortured. I felt the incessant push and pull of traditional verse non-conventional. However, I fought through it and I made the choices that I believed were right for me and eventually saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I crawled my way towards that light, the light that blinked “Welcome to the 30’s Where Life is Easier.”

I was not thrilled to enter my 30’s but everyone said it is SO much better than your 20’s. You become a more confident person. You don’t have to struggle to make yourself seem relevant, you just are. I heard this from family members, Oprah, even Carrie Bradshaw.
Yet somehow, in my 30’s, I am still lost in my life. And it is really annoying. Yes, I am confident in that I don’t feel the need to go out of my way to impress guys but I am still struggling. I still feel lost. I still am asking myself why didn’t I just choose the path most taken? And why am I now, not jumping over to it as fast as I can?

So, my question for you is this: you have teen-angst, the quarter life crisis but what is it called in your 30’s or am I alone in this fight? And does it ever end? Because I would really like a clue at what is coming at me around the next corner.