I’ve realized what my problem is – I am having a mid-life crisis, I just know it. Part of me feels relieved, hoping that I go through it now and then when I am in my forties it will be smooth sailing. But then the other part of me is horrified that I am in my early thirties and having a mid-life crisis, worried that means I am going to have a mental breakdown in my forties. It really isn’t a win-win for me I guess.
In some ways I have been caught off guard by my current state of mind. You see, I’ve always fancied myself this bohemian girl who dances through life. I saw myself carefree and light-hearted. However, it is becoming more and more apparent that I am nothing like that. I am more of a crazy schizophrenic and that really disturbs me. I have been in a relationship with myself for thirty-four years and have just now realized that I am not the person I thought I was. If I could break up with myself I would. I would change the locks, move away, throw all my old stuff out on the front lawn. Unfortunately, I don’t have that option. If only I could buy a fast car in canary yellow that only seats two I am sure all of my problems would be solved. But I can’t afford it so I guess I am stuck with myself. Alas.
In defense of my schizoid-self I haven’t just been wallowing. I have been trying to figure a way out of this mess but it just hasn’t been easy. I have taken up yoga and to be honest I hate it. I am not the flexible type and it is frustrating. But I am sticking with it so keep it to yourself. I have trying affirmations but lets be real, do they really work? And you just feel like an asshole saying them. I am trying to forge a new yet-to-be-determined career and not mourn the lack of my “other” one. I am doing my best to keep myself busy, but progress seems to be moving at a God Damn snail’s pace.
There has been one brief flash of brightness in my otherwise tragic state and it came from the least likely of sources, Heather Graham. Yes, the Heather Graham who played roller-girl and was in that deplorable Eddie Murphy movie that I can’t think what the name of it is. Anyways, I was sitting in the doctor’s office waiting to have my hip checked out, like an old lady, and I was reading a magazine article where Heather Graham was talking about her acting career. She said that it wasn’t about the accomplishments but about the spiritual journey.
Hmmm, maybe I was putting too much pressure on myself to have these major accomplishments and not paying attention to this path that I am on, therefore missing many good moments? Don’t get me wrong the irony is clear to me – it is always the people who have accomplished their goals (the same goals I have been striving for) who seem to make these bold statements. However, what do I have to lose? I mean can it get any worse?
So with Heather Graham as my guru I am going to try harder to appreciate each little, tiny, miniscule step I take, because those seem to be the only ones these days and at least I have my legs to take them.
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Kate, you are a hybrid of the person you were in your teens and 20's and when you are in your 50's you'll add your 30's and 40's to the mix. A little bit of all of those people are forever you.
ReplyDeleteAt some point in my 40's when my life was shifting in a major way, my 20's self emerged and I found myself table dancing at a party. For that 15 minutes (I was 40+ remember and my cardio capacity was extremely diminished) I was joyous, free, agile and happy and I expressed it with something I did in my 20's, a time when I felt the same. Bits of the old me surface all the time, remind me of the good times ....and the bad.....and help me cope with whatever it is that is right in front of me.
The point I am trying to make is.... don't abandon the 20's you because the 30's you hasn't felt like dancing thru life lately. That 20's Kate may save you in 20 years bcz when she emerges, you'll know you are right where you were meant to be.
Love you!
Gail
Wow. I am with Gail. That sounds like some sound advice. But I wonder, if you have never danced on a table in your twenties could you still do it in your forties?
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