I have not been able to relax since I posted my first blog and now the whole world knows I am in my 30's. Because I am sure the whole world is reading my blog. I meant it when I said I lied all the time. I lied so much that I would literally forget how old I actually was and now that it is out there, I am anxiety ridden over with whom I should share this bit of honesty. Everyone will know I lied and then I will be thought of a psycho…just great.
These have been my thoughts – “I can’t send this to person A because they will realize I am not 29 and do I really want them to know that?” OR “I can’t ask person B to follow my blog b/c I just told them the other day I was 27 and I will look crazy in the head” AS WELL AS “Crap, if this person finds out I am not 26 they will not think of me for certain roles and my (non-existent) career will be over.”
Now I am sure most of you clear-headed people will ask aloud what is the big deal with being in your 30's and to be honest nothing really. I know it is entirely a mental issue, but I have mental problems so there you go. It is just hard to admit I am this age and grasping at straws.
I wasn’t always like this. Really, I wasn’t. I was a girl who dreamt it and then lived it. I wanted to date a boy; I dated him. I wanted to be a hippie so I shopped at Salvation Army and rolled resin balls. I wanted a certain job; I got it. I wanted to travel the world, so I did (well, a small part of it). I even went to a country that I had no fucking idea even existed. It was lovely. But I had a bigger dream, a life-long dream so I packed up and took the drive thru Kansas for the 2nd time. I came to Hollywood and that’s when my troubles began. Now I cannot claim to have been this self-assured girl who thought she was just the cat’s meow, quite the contrary actually. But what I lacked in mental assuredness I made up for in free spirit and a sense of care-freeness that seems to have gone out the window once I hit 30.
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To be honest, I've contemplated fibbing about my age several times recently (especially as I am now 38--only 2 years away from the Big Four O). The urges were ever so fleeting (like quick flashes of lightning that you KNOW you saw out of the corner of your eye but can't exactly pinpoint). As these spasms passed, I actually felt a sort of calmness pass over me...I guess because I knew that no matter what I told others, I would always know MYSELF and so who am I really lying to, other than myself? In the end, I KNOW I am on the threshold of the 40s...I can't accept it now, even acknowledge yet. So, I guess I will wait until that day comes and maybe when I am 40, I will tell others I am 39.
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