Ask and You Shall Receive...almost

When we last left off I had asked the universe for something. I wasn't sure what exactly, just something. Then I went away to let the universe do its thing while I spent time with my beyond gorgeous nephew. When I came back to LA I hit the ground running. I immediately had 2 weeks full of auditions. And a variety of auditions at that! I had a couple call backs and booked a job. I was so excited. Who knew that all it took was for me asking the universe for what I wanted.

However, as wonderful as this all sounds it soon became clear that I was not going to get these gifts without a couple digs sprinkled in just to remind me that I did not have the upper hand when it came to my career. The first jab came in the form of crazy people. I was sitting in the waiting room at an audition for a music video looking around at the other "actors". Now I put "actors" in quotations b/c I cannot be sure a majority of these people have ever acted in their life. They looked as if they were walking down the street, saw an open door and decided to just come on in. I was the only one with a head-shot and resume that I know for sure. As I discreetly looked around at the variety of people sitting with me I happened to glance at the lady directly to my left. I am ashamed to say that I did one of the more obvious double takes I have ever taken. This is due to the fact that her wig was on crooked and the underside netting was sticking out of her temple. Almost to her eyebrow. Also, as she filled out her size card she simply replied, Barbara, to every question.
"What is your cell phone?" Barbara.
"What is your shoe size?" Barbara.
"Would you be willing to be an extra?" Barbara.

Since she looked like she was maybe in her late 70's I had to give her some slack. But the woman who went in before me I could not. As we were standing in line she held up her extra shirt that was on a hanger and proceeded to tell me that it had an eating disorder (the shirt on the hanger), but it was still pretty. She also told me she liked to dance but dancing is not as fun as it used to be b/c back in the day she took her clothes off. "There was nothing like rolling down your stockings." But these days dancing was not as much fun b/c she had to wear so many layers b/c she always ended up taking her clothes off. "Well," I said, "old habits die hard."
Now I am not sure what is more upsetting to me, that my manager thought of the 2 auditions he has gotten me, this is my niche? Or that I didn't even book the job! It probably went to Barbara!

The second dig was a real jab to my ego. Even more than the fact that my manager clearly thinks my acting capabilities equal that of an anorexic hanging shirt. My commercial agent emailed me an audition that read this: A BIT PALE AND NOT YET ADJUSTED TO THE ISLAND SUN. NOT BEACH BODIES BUT NOT A SLOB. What the hell? I mean this wouldn't have been so bad had it been an audition for Twilight or Vampire Diaries or any of the million other vampire shows out there. But no, this was for TGI Fridays! I was truly insulted. It took all of my strength not to walk into that audition screaming "But I DO work-out. I have a beach body I am sure of it." I am not really sure of it, but still, come on! being called somewhere between not a beach body and a slob?!?!? That one really hurt.

I guess in the end though I should be grateful to the universe for answering my prayers. All in all it was a nice little gift to come home to and I just realized that you win some and you lose some. And when it came to the TGI Friday commercial I like to think that I won even though I didn't book it. Because I am pretty sure the reason the job went to some one else is because of my olive complexion and I would look too good in a bikini.

Crickets

I haven't written in a long time and I have even had people ask me when I am doing another blog, which to me, is such an amazing compliment. However, no matter how much I stretched my thoughts to come up with an interesting topic to write about, my head was instead filled with the deafening sound of emptiness. At first I felt frustrated by this as each day for a month or so I would stare blankly at the computer screen with nothing witty or smart coming out. How can this be? I am the world's biggest complainer/brat/emotional disaster and I have nothing to say?

Then I had a revelation. No, it was not my life must be perfect or I must be in a really lovely place. Actually, it was a truly pathetic epiphany. I have nothing to write about because I have nothing to write about. Translation, my life is a dead zone. I have not had any auditions in as long as I can remember. I have no job opportunity coming my way. And it seems as though my wrinkles have slowed down their deepening process. Now it may seem strange that I am complaining about no extra wrinkles but I am not. I am just demonstrating how dull things have gotten around here.

A few months ago I got a new manager and I thought ok this is it. Things are really going to pick up for me and I am pretty sure I will be in movies soon. However, the opposite happened and I have auditioned even less then when I was all alone in the abyss of the entertainment industry. I am not in movies, I am not auditioning for movies, I am not even seeing movies because there is nothing in the theater.

Never before in my life have I wished for an audition that goes awry or for some one to mistake me for their son's teenage friends mom or be asked to sing impromptu during an audition. Anything, I will take anything other than this black hole I am living in these days. So I am asking you, universe, to shake things up for me. I will give you a week. I go out of town in a couple days and while I am away please do serious thinking and come up with something that you can throw my way. Something that will jazz up this mundane existence and really get the creative juices flowing. A week! And I would prefer it not come in the form of a gray hair! Thanks!

I'll Miss You Most of All

It has recently come to light that my brother isn't the only one who wishes I would write about happy things. It seems as though some people feel that I am too pessimistic. I believe I have given sound arguments to justify my writing. Defenses like; it is like a diary, writing about brief moments in time. There needs to be conflict in story-telling, no one wants to read about nothing happening. A lesson is learned at the end of each entry. But the fact of the matter is people, these things that I write about really did/do happen to me. I am not making this shit up. I mean I truly didn't get cast for the part of me! I am sorry if that is too depressing FOR YOU TO READ!!!

(catching my breathe, regaining composure)

SO in light of hearing other people's opinions I decided that I would try an experiment this week and not allow myself to say anything negative. Only positive thoughts can come out of my head and onto the paper. Of course when I decided to attempt this little experiment I had no idea that some jerk-off would have stolen my ATM card number and helped himself to $500 dollars of mine and Kris's money. While I did have a brief slip up when I told Kris I wanted to hunt this person down and kill him. I quickly forgave myself for that teeny transgression and I am back on track to my positive ways.

I have been thinking lately about the amazing people in my life. I think one of the smartest things I have ever done since moving to LA was to surround myself with such stunning people that no matter how wrinkled my face gets I know they will always be there. For example, JK + RW always, always make me feel like I am beautiful. They both always seem genuinely happy to see me and never fail to tell me how lovely I look. Even on days when I know I look like a serial killer. I cannot tell you what that means to have 2 people in your life who never fail to lift your spirit. LVKM, you give me such confidence and support. Days when I feel most insecure you always seem to sense it right away and ALWAYS have exactly the right thing to say to me. You are one of the people who have helped me make it this far. JG, you are one of the most encouraging friends I have. I feel so lucky to have you in my corner. M+D, you never give up on me. Ever. MD +KM you're here. Because of that I can breathe a little easier. MAD +CD, you had a baby first! That is really not the only reason. Truly, the list is far too long and I know without you I would die. DG+YG, you gave me such a gift. I am so appreciative of you and your support. PP, you have shown me how to look at things in a positive light. You're confidence and talent is so impressive and I feel like I learn a little bit every time I am with you. NH, this last year would have been hell without you. You are so sweet and kind and I feel extremely lucky to have you as my friend. And while it may take a wheelchair to get me up on that stage, I believe in my heart you will be the one up there handing me the statue!

And to KAPS, you are all of these people and so much more. Thank you for being so honest, so generous and so funny. Thank you for unwavering support and for giving up your professional sports career so you are not tempted to sleep with porn stars. I can honestly say that if the only reason that I was meant to move to LA was to find you then I will gladly give up any chance of stardom. (though lets hope for your sake it is not the only reason or you're in for buckets more tears)

Dear God, I sound like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. This is way too much for my black heart. So really take it in b/c I am counting the days until positive week is over and then it is back to stories of how I was mistaken for some one's brother. But until then I will adhere the Monty Python and say, "always look on the bright side of life." Even as she typed one could sense the sarcasm dripping from each word.