I haven't written in a long time and I have even had people ask me when I am doing another blog, which to me, is such an amazing compliment. However, no matter how much I stretched my thoughts to come up with an interesting topic to write about, my head was instead filled with the deafening sound of emptiness. At first I felt frustrated by this as each day for a month or so I would stare blankly at the computer screen with nothing witty or smart coming out. How can this be? I am the world's biggest complainer/brat/emotional disaster and I have nothing to say?
Then I had a revelation. No, it was not my life must be perfect or I must be in a really lovely place. Actually, it was a truly pathetic epiphany. I have nothing to write about because I have nothing to write about. Translation, my life is a dead zone. I have not had any auditions in as long as I can remember. I have no job opportunity coming my way. And it seems as though my wrinkles have slowed down their deepening process. Now it may seem strange that I am complaining about no extra wrinkles but I am not. I am just demonstrating how dull things have gotten around here.
A few months ago I got a new manager and I thought ok this is it. Things are really going to pick up for me and I am pretty sure I will be in movies soon. However, the opposite happened and I have auditioned even less then when I was all alone in the abyss of the entertainment industry. I am not in movies, I am not auditioning for movies, I am not even seeing movies because there is nothing in the theater.
Never before in my life have I wished for an audition that goes awry or for some one to mistake me for their son's teenage friends mom or be asked to sing impromptu during an audition. Anything, I will take anything other than this black hole I am living in these days. So I am asking you, universe, to shake things up for me. I will give you a week. I go out of town in a couple days and while I am away please do serious thinking and come up with something that you can throw my way. Something that will jazz up this mundane existence and really get the creative juices flowing. A week! And I would prefer it not come in the form of a gray hair! Thanks!
Monday, May 24, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
I'll Miss You Most of All
It has recently come to light that my brother isn't the only one who wishes I would write about happy things. It seems as though some people feel that I am too pessimistic. I believe I have given sound arguments to justify my writing. Defenses like; it is like a diary, writing about brief moments in time. There needs to be conflict in story-telling, no one wants to read about nothing happening. A lesson is learned at the end of each entry. But the fact of the matter is people, these things that I write about really did/do happen to me. I am not making this shit up. I mean I truly didn't get cast for the part of me! I am sorry if that is too depressing FOR YOU TO READ!!!
(catching my breathe, regaining composure)
SO in light of hearing other people's opinions I decided that I would try an experiment this week and not allow myself to say anything negative. Only positive thoughts can come out of my head and onto the paper. Of course when I decided to attempt this little experiment I had no idea that some jerk-off would have stolen my ATM card number and helped himself to $500 dollars of mine and Kris's money. While I did have a brief slip up when I told Kris I wanted to hunt this person down and kill him. I quickly forgave myself for that teeny transgression and I am back on track to my positive ways.
I have been thinking lately about the amazing people in my life. I think one of the smartest things I have ever done since moving to LA was to surround myself with such stunning people that no matter how wrinkled my face gets I know they will always be there. For example, JK + RW always, always make me feel like I am beautiful. They both always seem genuinely happy to see me and never fail to tell me how lovely I look. Even on days when I know I look like a serial killer. I cannot tell you what that means to have 2 people in your life who never fail to lift your spirit. LVKM, you give me such confidence and support. Days when I feel most insecure you always seem to sense it right away and ALWAYS have exactly the right thing to say to me. You are one of the people who have helped me make it this far. JG, you are one of the most encouraging friends I have. I feel so lucky to have you in my corner. M+D, you never give up on me. Ever. MD +KM you're here. Because of that I can breathe a little easier. MAD +CD, you had a baby first! That is really not the only reason. Truly, the list is far too long and I know without you I would die. DG+YG, you gave me such a gift. I am so appreciative of you and your support. PP, you have shown me how to look at things in a positive light. You're confidence and talent is so impressive and I feel like I learn a little bit every time I am with you. NH, this last year would have been hell without you. You are so sweet and kind and I feel extremely lucky to have you as my friend. And while it may take a wheelchair to get me up on that stage, I believe in my heart you will be the one up there handing me the statue!
And to KAPS, you are all of these people and so much more. Thank you for being so honest, so generous and so funny. Thank you for unwavering support and for giving up your professional sports career so you are not tempted to sleep with porn stars. I can honestly say that if the only reason that I was meant to move to LA was to find you then I will gladly give up any chance of stardom. (though lets hope for your sake it is not the only reason or you're in for buckets more tears)
Dear God, I sound like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. This is way too much for my black heart. So really take it in b/c I am counting the days until positive week is over and then it is back to stories of how I was mistaken for some one's brother. But until then I will adhere the Monty Python and say, "always look on the bright side of life." Even as she typed one could sense the sarcasm dripping from each word.
(catching my breathe, regaining composure)
SO in light of hearing other people's opinions I decided that I would try an experiment this week and not allow myself to say anything negative. Only positive thoughts can come out of my head and onto the paper. Of course when I decided to attempt this little experiment I had no idea that some jerk-off would have stolen my ATM card number and helped himself to $500 dollars of mine and Kris's money. While I did have a brief slip up when I told Kris I wanted to hunt this person down and kill him. I quickly forgave myself for that teeny transgression and I am back on track to my positive ways.
I have been thinking lately about the amazing people in my life. I think one of the smartest things I have ever done since moving to LA was to surround myself with such stunning people that no matter how wrinkled my face gets I know they will always be there. For example, JK + RW always, always make me feel like I am beautiful. They both always seem genuinely happy to see me and never fail to tell me how lovely I look. Even on days when I know I look like a serial killer. I cannot tell you what that means to have 2 people in your life who never fail to lift your spirit. LVKM, you give me such confidence and support. Days when I feel most insecure you always seem to sense it right away and ALWAYS have exactly the right thing to say to me. You are one of the people who have helped me make it this far. JG, you are one of the most encouraging friends I have. I feel so lucky to have you in my corner. M+D, you never give up on me. Ever. MD +KM you're here. Because of that I can breathe a little easier. MAD +CD, you had a baby first! That is really not the only reason. Truly, the list is far too long and I know without you I would die. DG+YG, you gave me such a gift. I am so appreciative of you and your support. PP, you have shown me how to look at things in a positive light. You're confidence and talent is so impressive and I feel like I learn a little bit every time I am with you. NH, this last year would have been hell without you. You are so sweet and kind and I feel extremely lucky to have you as my friend. And while it may take a wheelchair to get me up on that stage, I believe in my heart you will be the one up there handing me the statue!
And to KAPS, you are all of these people and so much more. Thank you for being so honest, so generous and so funny. Thank you for unwavering support and for giving up your professional sports career so you are not tempted to sleep with porn stars. I can honestly say that if the only reason that I was meant to move to LA was to find you then I will gladly give up any chance of stardom. (though lets hope for your sake it is not the only reason or you're in for buckets more tears)
Dear God, I sound like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. This is way too much for my black heart. So really take it in b/c I am counting the days until positive week is over and then it is back to stories of how I was mistaken for some one's brother. But until then I will adhere the Monty Python and say, "always look on the bright side of life." Even as she typed one could sense the sarcasm dripping from each word.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Happiness
My mom told me that my brother wanted me to at least once write about something happy. Upon hearing that I was confused as I thought all my stories ultimately had a happy ending. However, it is apparent that he wanted something more specific.
What makes me happy is being surrounded by crappy people. Let me explain. I started a new class this week, an Improv class. To say I was nervous was barely even scratching the surface. Normally when starting a new class I have a tiny bit of anxiety but it quickly passes as I am pretty confident in my acting and am usually sure I will be at the very least, in the middle of the pack, if not one of the better actors. This, however, is a totally different ball of wax. I am not all that confident in my improvisational skills.
As the day of the class loomed near I started to wonder if Karma had caught up with me. I say that b/c I am the first one to judge some one's bad improv or comedic chops. I consider myself a comedic aficionado - when it comes to other people's work that is. If I had lived during theater tomato throwing times I would have been in the front row with my satchel full of juicy ripe tomatoes ready to throw at a moments notice.
In talking with a good friend who is already in the class and who I consider to have amazing improvisational skills (remember aficionado) I was telling her how nervous I was. As she was trying to calm my nerves I said, "I just need there to be some bad actors in the group. As long as there are some crappy people around me I will feel better." As sad as that may be, it is the truth! The more crappy people I have around me the better I feel. Instead of just being secure within my own self or sure of my own capabilities I want to see the demise of someone else and then I will gain some confidence. The worse part is that I should feel guilty about that and I don't. I also, should want to be surrounded by talented people who will bring out the best in me, but I don't want that either. To me the perfect setting would be a mixture of talented people and crappy people.
The day of the class came and I woke up with a cold. Great, how was I supposed to improvise with a cloudy head? Bloody Karma!! As I drove to class I began to freak out more and more so by the time class started I was seriously going to shit my pants. This was the worse thing I could have done is subject myself to this torture. Especially when one of the games was to mimic the person to your right and then transform their character a little bit so the person to your left could mimic you. This was so horrifying to me that I turned my classmates hoity toity character into a crying pitiful girl and there was no part of me acting.
But as the night went on the tides began to turn. as I watched pairs of actors go through their scenes I realized that some were really good but a few were really bad. I know I would be better than them! Karma was on my side. This is exactly what I wanted and I got it. Some talent with a side of crap! And that is what makes me happy!
What makes me happy is being surrounded by crappy people. Let me explain. I started a new class this week, an Improv class. To say I was nervous was barely even scratching the surface. Normally when starting a new class I have a tiny bit of anxiety but it quickly passes as I am pretty confident in my acting and am usually sure I will be at the very least, in the middle of the pack, if not one of the better actors. This, however, is a totally different ball of wax. I am not all that confident in my improvisational skills.
As the day of the class loomed near I started to wonder if Karma had caught up with me. I say that b/c I am the first one to judge some one's bad improv or comedic chops. I consider myself a comedic aficionado - when it comes to other people's work that is. If I had lived during theater tomato throwing times I would have been in the front row with my satchel full of juicy ripe tomatoes ready to throw at a moments notice.
In talking with a good friend who is already in the class and who I consider to have amazing improvisational skills (remember aficionado) I was telling her how nervous I was. As she was trying to calm my nerves I said, "I just need there to be some bad actors in the group. As long as there are some crappy people around me I will feel better." As sad as that may be, it is the truth! The more crappy people I have around me the better I feel. Instead of just being secure within my own self or sure of my own capabilities I want to see the demise of someone else and then I will gain some confidence. The worse part is that I should feel guilty about that and I don't. I also, should want to be surrounded by talented people who will bring out the best in me, but I don't want that either. To me the perfect setting would be a mixture of talented people and crappy people.
The day of the class came and I woke up with a cold. Great, how was I supposed to improvise with a cloudy head? Bloody Karma!! As I drove to class I began to freak out more and more so by the time class started I was seriously going to shit my pants. This was the worse thing I could have done is subject myself to this torture. Especially when one of the games was to mimic the person to your right and then transform their character a little bit so the person to your left could mimic you. This was so horrifying to me that I turned my classmates hoity toity character into a crying pitiful girl and there was no part of me acting.
But as the night went on the tides began to turn. as I watched pairs of actors go through their scenes I realized that some were really good but a few were really bad. I know I would be better than them! Karma was on my side. This is exactly what I wanted and I got it. Some talent with a side of crap! And that is what makes me happy!
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