Duped Again

I have a question for you, a riddle maybe. Let me present it this way.

I find myself to be in a constant struggle. What I am up against I really can’t be sure, but it is a powerful force, one that can’t be reckoned with, that much I do know. It has haunted me for my entire life it seems and each time I think I have moved past it, it comes back with a not so subtle punch in the face. And the thing is I am afraid to ask anyone if it ever goes away. I really have to let myself believe that it will go away or else I am going to lose this tug-o-war and end up face first in the mud puddle that is laden with shit.

Let’s break it down. I mean we all have angst-ridden teenage years. That is inevitable and in retrospect quite enjoyable to a point. There is something amazing about feeling like no one understands you or loving a boy so much you might die. They are not easy to go through but everyone does and looking back as an adult, it gives you a good laugh.
Then once you think you are through that you get the quarter life crisis which NO ONE has told you about. You are in your 20’s, supposedly the most carefree time in your life and you are in a constant state. “Where am I going in life?” “Who am I supposed to be?” “I don’t want to be cookie-cutter.” “ Should I just get a job that pays well or follow a dream?” This was particularly horrible for me, as I like to intensify any feelings by 100, so I was constantly tortured. I felt the incessant push and pull of traditional verse non-conventional. However, I fought through it and I made the choices that I believed were right for me and eventually saw the light at the end of the tunnel. I crawled my way towards that light, the light that blinked “Welcome to the 30’s Where Life is Easier.”

I was not thrilled to enter my 30’s but everyone said it is SO much better than your 20’s. You become a more confident person. You don’t have to struggle to make yourself seem relevant, you just are. I heard this from family members, Oprah, even Carrie Bradshaw.
Yet somehow, in my 30’s, I am still lost in my life. And it is really annoying. Yes, I am confident in that I don’t feel the need to go out of my way to impress guys but I am still struggling. I still feel lost. I still am asking myself why didn’t I just choose the path most taken? And why am I now, not jumping over to it as fast as I can?

So, my question for you is this: you have teen-angst, the quarter life crisis but what is it called in your 30’s or am I alone in this fight? And does it ever end? Because I would really like a clue at what is coming at me around the next corner.