Breaking the Cycle

I have been in an abusive relationship for about 6 years. I have been punched, kicked, laughed at, spit on and told I am just not good enough and yet I still go back. Every time. Of course I am saying this theoretically - sort of. My abusive boyfriend's name is my Acting Career and I cannot let him go.

I vowed this year would be different. This year I was going to take back my life, be in control of my own destiny. No more pity parties, no more tears, no more excuses. This was the year I was going to break the cycle. However, 4 weeks into 2010 I am already crying, broken-hearted from yet another swift kick in the head. How did this happen? I had such will power just a few weeks ago and today I find myself curled up in fetal position rocking back and forth (rhetorically speaking of course).

What am I going to do? I can't leave him, believe me I have tried but I just go back. I love him. I truly love him. Like any abusive relationship I am lured back by a shiny little trinket of a new agent or a phone call full of promises from an audition. Sometimes all it takes is the sweet musings of another actor's stunning performance. I am weak. I know. I tell myself this time he will change. He will show me the same love I show him. This time it will be a mutually respectful relationship. But it never is and I never learn.

I can't go on like this that much I know. Changing the pattern of this relationship has not been easy as demonstrated by this morning's breakdown. However, I did notice a difference in today than other days. I sat on the couch trying to stop the tears with my poor husband wondering what was upsetting me. This time I said to him, "nothing, I don't want to be crying over this" and after a couple of minutes I stopped my crying and got ready to start my day. Any other time the dropping of a few tears would have turned into a 3-day tsunami of emotions. Today, however, I was able to pull myself together in relatively record time and enjoy a day out with Kris.

I know I am not alone in this. There are other victims out there bearing the sufferings of a similar relationship. That is a huge comfort knowing we are allied in abuse. I am also learning, albeit at a snails pace, that I can't change the spiteful, mean-spirited attitude of my acting career, but I can change myself. I can change how I react and what amount of power I let it have over me. So I am not going to let this little misstep today get me down. I am going to forge ahead and continue working on myself so someday I can look my acting career in the face and just as Royal told Pagoda, say "this is the last you put a knife in me!"